Thursday, October 29, 2009

I want...

I don't want to hear "I'm so sorry for your loss." I don't want the "thinking of you during this difficult time." I don't want to be reminded that God works all things to good. I don't want to hear "if there is anything I can do, just let me know." Because the only thing I want, the only thing that can fix THIS can't be fixed. I don't want a hug, some flowers, a card. I want a beating heart back in my lifeless baby's body.

I want to rip my clothes from my body in a fit of rage, I want to cover my head in ash and go into the desert and water the dry ground with the river of tears flowing from my eyes. I want to put my head through a wall. I want to run until my legs give out. I want to be NUMB. I want to know why. I want to know if that sweet baby was a boy or a girl. I want to give a name to the lifeless body I saw on that ultrasound screen. I want to count how many toes and how many fingers. I want to know why a heart beat so strong just stops. Why one minute there is life and the next there is not. I want to go to Heaven right now and cradle and kiss not just this baby but the 3 others I have lost over the years.

Lord do you HEAR ME!!!!!!!!!

As I lay here in my bed, typing this out I close my eyes briefly and I see the last image up on that ultrasound screen. In fact every time I close my eyes that's what I see. It wasn't a blob, or a peanut.. It was a baby. With arms, and legs, and a little face. So still. The heart monitor flat lining across the screen. I start to weep. And bury my face in my hands, because I can not stare one moment longer at that screen. The doctor and the tech talk for a few moments while still scanning my womb. It's all jumbled, I can't process anything. The tech finally taps my leg and tells me I can go to the bathroom and get dressed, and as I shut the door I fall to the cold sterile floor and weep some more. The only other time I ever remember weeping like this is when I walked into my Grandmothers house , went into her bedroom and laid where I had last seen her alive. This must have been the way Jesus wept. The sorrow is so deep, and consuming.

I gain composure and walk out into the exam room, Dale asks me if I want a hug. The nurse asks me if I want a glass of water. Tears start flowing at a steady pace again, I shake my head and say "A hug, A glass of water?? Will it put a beating heart back in my dead baby?" I know they are just trying to comfort me, but nothing in this world can comfort my brokenness right now. Don't touch me, don't talk to me, just don't.

After a long and silent car right home, my deep sorrow turns to anger when I walk through the front door. I rip the previous ultrasound pictures down off the fridge and shove them as deep as they can go into the trash can. I can barely see through the blur of falling tears as I stumble towards my bedroom. Dale tries to follow as I push him back and shut the door screaming "Just leave me alone!" One by one I take my shoes off and throw them across the room, before falling face first onto my bed. "This is my lot Lord?" I don't want it. Take me home now Lord.

Then I am reminded that this is just the beginning of a horrible horrible nightmare. That lifeless baby is still inside of me. I start to panic thinking of having to go through all the labor pains and seeing all the blood and possibly my sweet baby's body. I've done this 3 times before. At this exact moment I am too weak, to compromised by grief. I want to die. I start thinking about what will end my life the fastest. I start thinking about how killing myself would be easier than confronting what I know will soon be coming if I choose to live. Dale is gone picking the boys up from the sitter. The house is empty and I am alone. I start to get up to make my way to the medicine cabinet and I see the sweet Mother's Day gift Shane made for me 4 years ago in preschool sitting on my dresser. I see a book laying on my night stand that Caleb and I have been reading together over the past couple weeks. I open my door and see a string of clothing left behind by my 5 year old that can't seem to put his dirty clothes in the hamper. I am reminded of the 3 beautiful miracles God has blessed me with. The ones that get to be my angels on earth. And I start to repeat "Taking my life is stupid, and selfish." "It's stupid." "It's STUPID!" God intervenes on my behalf and removes all the horrible tempting thoughts Satan is trying to flood my mind with. He shined His light in a very dark moment. I didn't ask Him to, He just did. Because I am His child. And His promises are ever-lasting.

I decide to call my friend Heather. She's miscarried before. She won't try to comfort me, she'll weep with me. Because she remembers her dark moments. She remembers that nothing in this world besides time can take away the pain. I share with her my thoughts and we just weep together. After a long time of weeping with laughter mixed in between, the thoughts of not living any more have passed but I am still broken. Dale comes in as if he knew my previous thoughts. God whispers in my ear, "he is grieving too." I hang up the phone with Heather and share with Dale what he already somehow knew. We both weep together. There is no talk of what is to come. We are just trying to get through this moment. He says we need to tell the boys. They all come in and pile around me on the bed. My body buried under the blankets, my hand covering my face. I can not form a single word. So Dale explains that the baby's heart stopped beating. Sadly my boys have been down this road before. Caleb says, "So it's dead, right Dad." Shane's eyes water up and he says "No, God can make the heart start beating again, can't He Daddy." Ian is silent. Dale explains that yes God could preform a miracle but he thinks God needed this baby to be an angel in Heaven more. Dale tells each of the boys to gently give me a kiss on the forehead and go play quietly in the living room. Shane cuddles up next to me and softly strokes my hand. Whispering that he loves me and is sorry to see me so sad. I can't breathe. I can't speak. I can't move my hand away from my eyes to look into my child's eyes. I just nod my head and Dale calls him out of the room.

I am not writing this for you all to feel sorry for me. I am writing this to validate my feelings as being REAL. As RAW as it gets. I am writing this for me. Maybe some of you have faced tragedy of some sort before and can understand my thoughts and feelings. And maybe some of you are shocked to read that for a brief moment I considered taking my own life. Maybe this is the beginning of the healing process. Maybe someday this will help someone else get through a tough time and realize that they are not loosing their mind, they are just grieving. It's OK to shake your fist in anger. It's OK to fall to the floor and weep. It's OK to be transparent with God and those around you.
Am I OK? Not in the least bit. Will I be with time, I know I will.

Do I have a journey before me, you bet I do.

Am I un-stable? No, just shaken.

Do I question God's grace and love to carry me through this? Not for a moment, I am His Child.

"God's faithfulness has never depended on the faithfulness of his children. He is faithful even when we aren't. When we lack courage, he doesn't. He has made a history out of using people in spite of people. Need an example? The feeding of the five thousand. It's the only miracle, aside from those of the final week, recorded in all four Gospels. Why did all four writers think it worth repeating? ... Perhaps they wanted to show how God doesn't give up even when his people do... When the disciples didn't pray, Jesus prayed. When the disciples didn't see God, Jesus sought God. When the disciples were weak, Jesus was strong. When the disciples had no faith, Jesus had faith. I simply think God is greater than our weakness. In fact, I think it is our weakness that reveals how great God is...."
"God is faithful even when his children are not."

Taken from "The Gentle Thunder" By: Max Lucado

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


is what my little man turned this past month. One night as I was putting him to bed we started talking about what he wanted to do for his birthday. I gave him the option to have a party with friends or have just a family party. After a long pause this is how the rest of the conversation went. 

Ian: "I just want one with my family, Momma." 

Me: "Are you sure?" 

Ian: "Yep, I'm sure.. That way I won't have to share"

Me: "Share what?"

Ian: "Taking turns with the stick, being crowded and being pushed"

Me: **look of confusion** followed by "Ohhh, You want a Pinata..."

Ian: "Yeah, and if I have a party with my friends they will be pushy and I won't get as many turns whacking it, and then they will all be pushing and grabbing the candy, but if it's just my brothers they will have to share with me, because you'll make them." 

Me: "I will?" 

Ian: "Yeah, cause' it's my birthday"

The End..

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Good Stuff..

I was reading this morning in a devotion "Devotions for Sacred Parenting" and came across this little burb from another book "Pensees" and thought I would share-

" Let each of us examine his thoughts; he will find them wholly concerned with the past and or the future. We almost never think of the present, and if we do think of it, it is only to see what light it throws on our plans for the future. The present is never our end. Thus we never actually live, but hope to live, and since we are always planning how to be happy, it is inevitable that we should never be so." 

Why is it that we get so wrapped up in the daily routine that we forget to truly LIVE.. I am not talking about breathing, walking, talking... I am talking about having a water fight in the kitchen and not worrying about how much of a mess it's going to make, letting the kids stay up a little later to finish putting together a puzzle. The small things. The things that get so easily over looked, because we are assuming there will be more time later.. Maybe that little excerpt spoke a little deeper because I am getting older? Or maybe I am finally grasping the idea that we don't know our future, and we should stop assuming we have some type of control over it. It's a waste of time and effort and creates resentment, frustration, and regret.. I don't want to be sitting in my house 20 years from now regretting all the moments I missed with my boys because I occupied my time with things that didn't really matter in the end. 

(remember to pause the music at the bottom of my page before playing)

Thursday, August 6, 2009


1. I've come to realize that my.... husband loves me regardless of my MANY flaws..

2. I've come to realize that my.... circumstances don't have to rule me. 

3. I've come to realize that when... the Holy Spirit speaks- LISTEN!!!

4. I've come to realize that I need..... to cherish EACH day, and stop assuming there will be a tomorrow.. 

5. I've come to realize that I have lost... my ab muscles and they are NEVER coming back!

6. I have come to realize that I hate it when... people put God in a box..

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk... I'll still be feelin' it in the morning. STUPID!!!

8. I've come to realize that money... can never buy you lasting contentment- but Jesus can!

9. I've come to realize that certain people... will NEVER understand how much I HATE talking on the phone. 

10. I've come to realize that I'll always ... wonder what might have been.

11. I've come to realize that my sibling(s)... and I don't have the close relationship I long to have with them

12. I've come to realize that my mom... is who I have become more and more like over the years and it's not such a bad thing after all.. She is a SURVIVOR, ROLE MODEL and one of my BEST FRIENDS! 

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone... is not machine washable.. 

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning... I reallllly wanted to crawl back in bed..

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep... I was getting to bed WAY to late and would be feelin' it in the morning..

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking... I have spent too much time on this and should have been in bed 2 hours ago..

17. I've come to realize that my dad ... is an AMAZING man of God, great role model for my husband, my boys and myself. And that he loves me unconditionally.. 

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook...I stay on too long

19. I've come to realize that today... it never did stop raining but we fished our little hearts out anyway.. 

20. I've come to realize that tonight... is already today.. Good Morning..

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow... is never certain. But it's always good to be prepared.

22. I've come to realize that I really want to... hear well done good and faithful servant when I go home.

23. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to reposnd this is... a SUCKER just like me.. And I am kinda shocked that your still reading my randomness.. 

24. I've come to realize that life... is all about the choices you make.

25. I've come to realize this weekend... was over too soon.

26. I've realized the best music to listen to when I am upset... is either country if I really want to have a pity party or Christian to restore my joy.

27. I've come to realize that my friends... stretch me, encourage me, love me, disappoint me, surprise me, and no matter what- are there for me regardless the weather.

28. I've come to realize that this year... I have laid more at His feet than the year before.

29. I've come to realize that my ex... was a stepping stone I should have just hopped over.

30. I've come to realize that maybe I should... set a timer for myself when I get on Facebook!

31. I've come to realize that I love... my life. my God. my story.

32. I've come to realize that I don't understand... why so many in this world choose hate over love.

33. I've come to realize that my past.....put me where I am today

34. I've come to realize that parties... usually mean LARGE MESSES.. 

35. I've come to realize that I'm totally terrified of... how TIRED I am going to be in the morning after doing this...

36. I've come to realize that my life.... is a reflection of the choices I make- and the legacy I leave behind for my children.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

In a Nut Shell

(click on the Mosaic to make it bigger)

I'm sure I am missing a few things in between but in a nutshell we have- gone to Fossil Beach and Roslin with the BEST neighbors ever, went up Pillar with Lib, had a water balloon fight, went to Jewel Beach, Ian learned how to ride a 2 wheeler, played a parents vs. kids game of soccer and Shane got his award and trophy, took Libby to see the float planes, went to Roslin with GREAT friends, went to Fort Abercrombie where I professed my love for the better half of me, and Libby and I hiked to the top of Barometer- all since Daddy went sailing.. Staying busy makes the days seem shorter but it still doesn't take away how much we're missing a certain someone..

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


Where does it go? And is there a way to stall it, stop it, reverse it, change it, or just simply embrace it? Seems like just yesterday our youngest was getting into anything and everything. 

My baby isn't a baby any more.. 

Today he officially conquered riding a bike without training wheels. 
It was a moment where I felt so proud of him. Ecstatic that he was finally able to do something he has been fearing but longing to do for so long now and in that same moment, I was sad. Because I knew this is just one step closer to independence- not needing or relying on me. Sure I know I should be happy about this milestone and I truly am but at the same time I am greatly missing those comet spilling moments too. 

He kept saying the first couple tries something we taught all the boys to say when they feel fearful or unsure of themselves.. 

" I can do all things, through Christ, who strengthens me" 
Philippians 4:13          

Lord, Let those words be something more than just a memorized verse, allow that verse and many others to penetrate deep into my sons' souls. Let them believe in you and what you are capable of doing through them whole heartedly. May they never loose their childlike faith in you. Regardless of where this crazy thing we call life takes them, let them always cling to your truths and your word. May they always know that there will never be a moment in their life where they won't need your hand to guide them. Help me Lord learn how to embrace these new milestones, and cherish the ones I am walking through now.  Thank You for giving my little guy the courage and the endurance to persevere today. Thank You that I was there with him, able to see him call out to you for help.  May all of our children come to you regardless of their worldly surrounding, and cry out when they are troubled. Thank You for the hedge of protection you placed over my child today. Thank You that you heard his cry and delivered him into VICTORY.. Thank You Lord that I have so many things to be thankful for even in the simple things, like learning how to ride a bike.          

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Happy Easter?

So I am a bit behind on the updates.. Considering that Easter was almost 3 weeks ago. But I'm posting now so don't give me any grief..  ;)
On Easter, the boys and I made Resurrection Cookies. We have been making them for the past 5 years now, so I guess it's become a tradition... 

 It's a super simple recipe, if you want it let me know and I will email it to you. 
We also went to Church, went to Brunch with the neighbors at the Galley, and came home and relaxed a bit before going over to our friends house to have a Easter Egg Hunt in 3+ feet of snow.. Never thought I would be typing out that sentence.. Still not sure if I am even OK with typing out that sentence.. I mean, 3+ feet of SNOW on Easter? Hmm.. Just doesn't seem right!  

(I think this was right before he sunk in to his neck. :P)

And then of course when you get fresh powder, a day off of work and beautiful weather, it means the husband(s) are gonna ask to go play, even on Easter.. So the wives and chitlins stayed behind and Dale and the other husbands hiked up Pyramid Mountain and had a good ride down snowboarding. 

(Dale's the second blur)

And I am happy to report that now that it has taken me almost 3 weeks to post what we did for Easter, I can include a very SPECTACULAR, RARE OCCURANCE of the SUN COMING OUT..

 Yes, Folks the sun came out for a moment.. I mean a brief moment, longer than a blink but shorter than a yawn and I was smart enough to capture it on film, so when it rains/snows/sleets for the next 2 YEARS, I can pull it out, caress it, long for it, and remember it did grace us with it's presences on very rare occasions. :P

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Bring On The Rain..

By: Jo Dee Messina Have you heard it? I have replayed it at least 4 times in the last 30 minutes- trying to muster up a tear. 

I am tired.. And when I get overly tired I get overly emotional, and tonight is just one of those nights. Do you ever have a moment where you think to yourself "If I just had a big fat cry session, I would feel better" and then for some reason, no matter how hard you try, no matter how many sad and depressing things that you conjure up in your head YOU CAN'T shed one single tear! So maybe you never actually sit there and purposely think of really sad things, but at least I'm being real in my dilemma...

As I sit here, trying to cry- thinking of something worthy of your attention to blog about I can't help but to reflect upon the words in the song that is now playing for the umm, I'm pretty sure the 6th time now..  

Third line into the song it says-

Sometimes I'd like to hide away, somewhere and lock the door

Before we moved here, I had a walk in closet. And when I was having a "sometimes" moment I would go into the closet, using my only worn once bridesmaid dresses to "hide" behind.. It was really the perfect spot. Dale and the kids would come looking for me, open the closet door, flick on the light and I would go unnoticed and able to continue in my pity party, table for 1 please..  

That line got me thinking about how no matter how hard we try, no matter how big our closet, how long our bridesmaid dress or strong of a lock we may have, we can never, ever hide from our Heavenly  Father. He knows our heart. 

My Heart. 

And all those moments where I thought I was hiding from my circumstances, I have come to realize are missed moments... Because really I wasn't hiding anything, I was growing closer to God by being completely transparent with Him. I would cry out to Him, Yell at Him, or just simply "Be Still" and you know, I may have walked out of that closet with my eyes a little puffier, and my head hanging a little lower, but I was able to let it all out.  I laid it all at my Messiah's feet. 

We have been here almost a full year and I still have yet to find my hiding spot, but I now realize the importance of having a spot. So my question to you is- 

"Where is it that you cry out- Bring on the rain?"

(remember to pause the music @ the bottom of my page before viewing)

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


What is it again? It's been so long since I had any I have forgotten exactly what it is.. 
Is it something I am suppose to have to use against:

my time on the internet?? 
My Tongue??

I seriously have no idea where it went.. How it went.. And if it ever plans on returning.. Maybe I should write it a  letter or better yet an email...  Do a search for it on Facebook? Hmmm.. 

Did I give up on it or did it give up on me?

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Snippety Snip..

I think the last time the boys got their hair cut was before Christmas.. Things have been so crazy busy around here with snow days, homeschooling, dentists appointments, the flu, my back going out, and a handful of other things that I really didn't realize how out of control it was until one night after they all had a shower and decided to spike it up..

I usually cut all of their hair along with the neighbor boys but today I was just not in the mood to wear the "Hair Stylist" hat.. 

So off to the Barber we went.. 

(they all got to pick out colored hair gel to spike up the front)

In fact after taking them all to the barber, I think I might just throw that "stylist" hat out the window and let the wicked Kodiak wind take it to Russia.. (cause' I can see it from my front window ya' know) *wink* *wink* 

Tuesday, March 3, 2009


Is it really already March? Do you know what this means!!!! We have been here almost ONE FULL YEAR!!! (picture me doing the happy dance) This means we only have 2 years LEFT!!!! How is it- that things can pass so quickly, but at the same time feel like they have taken forever to get through? Don't get me wrong, Kodiak and I have this whole love/hate relationship going on.. Most days I am awestruck at the beauty of it all and thanking God for the opportunity to live here, and then some days I think "I need to contact Nasa and explain to them that there is a BLACK HOLE here on earth and it's called Kodiak."

But really that is soooo NOT what this blog is about.. This blog is to update you on all the things that have taken place in the last month or so. 

So I will start with-

Seeing The Dentist

I missed my oppurtunity to get a shot of "Moe" and the hip 80's inspired shades..  

However, "Moe" and I did fly over to Anchorage to see the Orthodontist a couple weeks after visiting the dentist and he got BRACES!
(only on the top row)

and of course we got some more snow..

Ohhh, did I mention we got some snow? Then we had a string of birthdays..  Tradition in our house is to let who ever is having the birthday pick out whatever they want for dinner and what ever type of cake they want as well.. 

First Came "Curly's".. He turned SEVEN! (and had the flu)
He requested ABC soup and Strawberry Pizza.. 

Then 2 days later-

Daddy turned the BIG 2-9!!!
He requested Whiskey Marinaded Steak and "Better than Pumpkin Pie" cake.. 

2 weeks later-

"Moe" turned NINE!!!
He requested Homemade Mac and Cheese and a Huge Chocolate Chip Cookie with Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream.. 
And now that I have been collectively adding to this post for the past 3 weeks.. I think I will finally post it so you all can see that we are very much well and happy.. And a few of us are now a year older... Wiser is questionable... :P 

Saturday, January 31, 2009

A Clean Wall..

            Is what I didn't have 2 hours ago and now have. Courtesy of Ian.. and of course-

Just imagine the lighter shade of green on this box splattered from the top of the ceiling to the bottom of the floor in a diagonal pattern.. We were sitting down just finishing up dinner and I happened to look over at the wall and notice the SPLATTER..  I point it out to the boys and ask who did it. Bless Ian's little heart- he instantly got a guilty look on his face..  

Green GoGurt from Jen M on Vimeo.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

20 Things..

I saw that my neighbor Emily did one, and I said to myself "No!" I am not going to do it... But-Facebook suckered me in.. So why not post it here for all my "stalkers" to read too... ;)

20 Random Things.. 

1. I am a Sinner.. But God knew I would be and sent His only son in my place.. 

2. My husband and I met "cruising" on a Saturday Night.. We were married 4 months later..

3. This year will be my hubby and I's 10 year anniversary. 

4. I use the word "freakin" way too much and my kids tell me to stop cussing..

5. I honestly think Satan created Brownies and Double Stuffed MINT Oreo's.. 

6. I have 5 tattoo's and want to get the sign of the trinity on the inside of my wrist..

7. I like the "idea" of having our dog, but can't stand the hair/messes that comes along with ownership..

8. Having kids has softened me.. 

9. My BIGGEST pet peeve is when people smack their food while chewing.. 

10. I most likely gave my mom the majority of her gray hairs, with all my rebellion growing up..

11. I am a recovering Costco Addict.. 

12. Instead of buying 1 $50 thing- I will buy 50 $1 things and think I got a good deal.. 

13. I think coffee tastes like warmed up cigarette butts. 

14. 10 years ago I told my husband the one place I would NEVER move to was Kodiak, Alaska. That he would have to Geo-Bach. if we ever got stationed there.. But the Lord has such hilarious sense of humor and changed my heart and slowly moved us further and further North. ...and I was actually the one who pushed to put it on our "dream sheet". 

15. I can smell my husbands fart as soon as it starts to leave his bum..

16. I am a very open person, sometimes to a fault.. 

17. I am thankful I am not a cat and limited to 9 lives, or I would be dead by now. 

18. When I turned 21 I was nursing and couldn't have my "first" legal drink.. 

19. I love routine but am horrible at consistency. 

20. I have been on the 10 year 2 year plan and 2 classes shy of getting my AA.. (maybe in another 10 years??)

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Fire & Ice...

Usually those two words should never go in the same title, sentence or thought.. But somehow they are very fitting for a Garth Brooks song- She's Every Woman

"She's sun and rain, she's fire and ice
A little crazy but it's nice
And when she gets mad, you best leave her alone
'Cause she'll rage just like a river
Then she'll beg you to forgive her
She's every woman that I've ever known"

I know.. What's the point of the title, Jen?? Besides some random lyrics that pretty much sum me up. Well, I'll tell you.. It starts with the routine of stripping sheets every Sunday before Church..  It just so happens that this last Sunday, not 5 minutes after Shane stripped his sheets off his BRAND NEW MATTRESS that we paid WAY TO MUCH for at a local, I'm not naming names(ARDINGERS!!!!) furniture store- Ian climbed on top of it and unexpectedly got a bloody nose.  Being that we are a family that is notoriously late to everything, I decided to leave the blood splatters from a mattress jumping 4 year old until after church.. 

So.. We get home from church and I do a little research online for the best way to get blood out of a mattress.. 

Tip #1: Hydrogen Peroxide is not only good for getting that sun bleached look in your hair when your 14 and your mom says: "NO" to getting it dyed, but it is also fabulous for removing blood from mattress's... 

After drenching pretty much all of Shane's bed with HP (note to self, buy stock in Hydrogen Peroxide) I decide to pull the blower dryer out so my son not only has clean sheets to sleep on but also isn't bathing in a cure all oxidant.  My wrist starts to cramp and I walk out to make a phone call...

Shane decides to help in the drying of his mattress.. 
20 seconds later- he comes running out to the living room crying and begs me to come quickly.. To any mother out there, you know when your child is crying and asking you to come quickly it CAN'T BE GOOD! 

Remember that over-priced mattress that I spent a good 45 minutes on getting blood stains out of?

Apparently it actually caught on fire.. (just for a split second)

Tip #2: Hydrogen Peroxide is not flammable but sticking a blow dryer directly on a mattress is.

And now, to tie in the second word to my title.. Ice.. 

It is now Monday, mid-morning.. I had made Eggplant Parmesan for dinner the night before and know my sweet friend Johnna has never tried it, so I decide to run some over to her. After a quick phone call to tell her my plans, she invites our dog over for a play date. I get ready to leave, knock on my "hallway confessional, best neighbor" (Emily's) door and ask if she minds keeping an eye on Ian while I take Shane and Caleb with me. She suggests that I leave all the boys and enjoy a little time to my self. I say- SWEET.. And head out.. 

I pull up to a stop sign just past the check point leaving base to head towards Johnna's (maybe 2 miles away) ...I wait for a truck to pass before turning onto the road. I think to myself- "He's driving kinda fast, the roads must not be that bad" and pull out.  As I shift into 3rd gear I feel my back end break loose.. I've just hit black ice.. In what felt like hours I went from thinking "My tires are gonna catch, don't freak out, don't freak out" to "Holy *%&$, Holy *%&$" (Forgive me, Lord).. I do a 360' and then a 180' across the opposite side of our two lane highway, pass the shoulder and start sliding down a steep hillside..  I glance out my passenger window and brace myself to start rolling.. 

At that exact moment God heard my heart instead of my words.. And once again provided a Guardian Angel to protect me. There is no other way to explain how the leaf baron bushes that I thought were to weak in preventing my 4runner from rolling did what they did. 

These are the bushes.. 
a closer shot..
I did not realize this until I went back to take pictures but if you look at the slide marks from my front tires, it looks as if God took His almighty and powerful breath and blew me 2 feet forward so my tire would be braced against the thickest part of the bush. It's roots.
another example..
a close up.. Of God's GRACE ..
The MINUSCULE damage to my 4Runner..
About 10 minutes after it happened, my forever friends Michael and Heather just happened to be driving by. At that point the guys who were already there were trying to figure out the safest way to pull me out without having the 4Runner roll. The guy from Military Police was standing on my back left sided tire to keep it on the ground and I was instructed to get out of the rig. Michael came running- asked me if I was OK, and gave me a hug, and of course I started to cry. The first attempt to get the 4runner out was basically where I think I got all the scratches. Because it just slid further down the hill and was drug sideways through the brush. Michael offered to jump in and steer it out. SUCCESS! (Thank You again Michael)
I am so thankful God provided and protected in both moments. And has once again reminded me of these powerful Holy words:

Proverbs 3:5-6 
Trust in the LORD with all your heart, 
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him, 
And He shall direct your paths.

 Psalm 3:3
You, O LORD, are a shield around me,
 My glory, and the One who lifts up my head.

and my all time favorite

Joshua 1:9
Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

Oh, one last thing.. After they had pulled me out and I was talking to MILPOL, Kona (remember she was in the back of my 4Runner through all of this) climbed up into the front seat, AND ATE THE EGGPLANT PARMESAN and the foil it was wrapped in and had a massive bout' of diarrhea the rest of the day. Nice..

And know that I have written a book for a blog post.. I wanted to share with you a song that I constantly sing when feeling the pressures of LIFE... 

(just a reminder to pause the music at the end of my page so you can hear this video by it's self)

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Ouch Mom..

This morning something very painful happened that involved Tweezers and Hydrogen Peroxide.. I'm actually going to let Caleb type the story out in his own words since he was the one it happened to...

I was sitting on the edge of the bed rubbing my foot along the wooden bed frame and talking with my mom and all the sudden OUCH ouch ouch and my mom said what happened? I got a huge splinter it was deep inside the bottom of my foot and i mean huge.and my mom wanted to take a picture after she pulled it out and I said no because I was afraid it would get stuck inside my foot again but then I finally said ok a
nd I'm really glad I did because it,s a huge freaking splinter. 
by the way my mom told me to say that word.

And now that he has shared his story and ratted me out for using the word "freaking" here are the pictures..

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Grocery Shopping the Commissary is usually on any other day a dreaded chore.. Especially when I have to take all the boys with me. But today my friends was a NEW DAY.. Today, I would have to say, grocery shopping at our tiny, "do they not know how to keep a decent stock of NON-rotting produce", "clear the shelves of expired things", and "seriously who is your stock manager" commissary was the highlight of my day.. 

Thursday is when they usually get new shipments in of produce, meat and dairy, but because the weather has been so bad the past week I thought for sure I would be going into a bare and forsaken land.. I seriously am still gitty about how fully stocked everything was.. And YES, I am totally blogging about it.. Why, because #1- My husband is gone and I have to do something to keep my mind busy. And #2- For a moment, I mean a very brief (like blink of an eye) kinda moment, I felt like I was in COSTCO. As soon as you walked through the doors, there were stacks of BULK items just like you would find at my beloved Costco.. And the best part about it was that the prices where not "Give your first born"  or "take my left kidney" sky high, like everything else on this island.. 

I know, I know.. I should be appreciative of what I do have here on the island and I am (somedays). But all you lower 48ers have no idea how hard up you get for a good deal on bulk items every now and again.. Yes! Yes! I know- I need help because I actually took the time to take a picture of all my lovely finds, but can you tell me what meeting I need to attend on another day, because right now all I want to do is BASK in the glory of Cuties, Gold Fishies, Granola Bars, and Hot Pockets.. 

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Legos and Dental Floss..

Caleb (like any other 8 year old boy) is really into Legos right now.. So for Christmas we bought him a Lego Contraption Book..  I don't think there has been a day that he has not created something out of that book.. So today he comes into my room as I am folding laundry and asks-

 "Mom, do we have any string?"
I say-
"For what?"
He says-
"For something I am building"
I say-
"Use Dental Floss"

... about 10 minutes later he comes running in and says "Mom, you gotta' come check this out".. I of course think he has hung Shane or convinced Ian to wrap his finger until it turns blue- so I run with urgency into his room and find one of his best creations yet..  After showing me half a dozen times I say, we should video record this to show your dad.. Being the proud, braggin' Mama that I am, I had to share with all of you as well.. :)

Just a reminder, make sure to pause the music, before you click on the video so you can hear Caleb talking.. :)

Untitled from Jen M on Vimeo.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Monday, January 5, 2009

Leavin' on a jet plane..

at least I know when He'll be back again.. ;) Yesterday the boys and I took Dale to the Airport to board a very long flight to Florida. He will be in training until the 28th and the boys and I have already made one of those construction paper counter downers (what are those things called anyway?) 

So after putting the kids to bed last night, I found my first note... and cried..

Then I found my second note... and cried...

And this morning as I felt better and ready to tackle my day I found my third note as I grabbed a pair of socks out of the drawer.. and cried.. 

Luckily, I baby sat a sweet and lovable 4 month old GIRL today that kept me pretty distracted, along with homeschooling and the daily "to do's" of being Mom, Dad (for now), house cleaner, teacher, Chef.. Well you get the point.. ;) 
and then I found this while cooking dinner...

and I actually didn't cry.. It was like he was right there in the kitchen giving me a great big hug. And as I put the kids to bed tonight I thought about how complacent I have become. How I assume that he will always make it home from work, how he will always be there to fix the car, or just simply, be here- to help me put the groceries away, brush the kids teeth, or get my nightly glass of water.. It also got me thinking about how much I love him and appreciate all that he does on a daily basis to provide and care for his family.  And I have come to the conclusion that I don't verbalize my appreciation as much as I should. 

Wait.. Are you ready for a rabbit trail? 

Cause.. Hippity Hop, We're there.. 

Thinking of all this, made me also ponder my love and appreciation for my Heavenly Father. How often do I verbalize my thanks to Him? When I start my prayers- do I start them with earnest Thanks, or do I just do the whole "Forgive me for this, and "Please" for that.." kinda prayer.  I know I try to focus on my thanks, before getting into "MY" needs and wants, but I need to thank more, complain less.. And not just at bedtime or in the morning when I rise.. I need to do it continually through out the day.  I mean, sure when I get front row parking at the grocery store (which by the way Dale and I call "Rock Star Parking") I shoot up a little prayer thanking God for such a close spot. And every now and again I shoot up a "Lord, bind my tongue" or " Thank You Jesus for this moment" but I guess I just feel like I should be more thankful, more of the time.  Just imagine being hugged by the Father all day long... That is what He wants to do, if we allow Him. With that I am off to bed.. 

But not before I-
 Thank My Father.. :)